


Like We Used To

by adorkablephil (kimberly_a), AgingPhangirl (Madophelia)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009!phan, 2012!Phan, Adulthood, Angst, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Exes, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, Immaturity, Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Post-Break Up, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 18:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9398285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimberly_a/pseuds/adorkablephil, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madophelia/pseuds/AgingPhangirl
Summary: They split in 2012.Not because they stop loving each other, but because it just got too hard.It's supposed to make things easier. But when Phil meets someone new, it turns out, it's harder than it's ever been.The story from 2009 - today. Finding each other, losing each other, and finding each other again. And everything in between.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> So this is non-linear. It jumps between time periods in order to tell the story, so I hope that makes sense. 
> 
> Songs that inspired this fic are:
> 
> Back to December - Taylor Swift  
> &  
> Like We Used To - A Rocket To The Moon

**12 September 2014**

When Phil first brings him to the flat, Dan tries to stay out of the way. He’d have avoided it, but the gaming video is going up that day and although he was happy to upload it by himself, he wants to let Phil know that they still need to tweet and post on Tumblr and all that stuff. 

Deep down he knows that if he tweeted, Phil probably has him on alert so he’d know to do that too, but he needs an excuse to see the guy whose voice is echoing around his kitchen right now. 

“This is the kitchen” Phil says, “And this is my kitchen seat.”

“You sure you want to--Okay” the voice replies, laughing, but he doesn’t get to finish, “Oh hi.”

Dan enters the kitchen, shuffling in on socked feet. It feels weird, like he’s invading their space, rather than this guy invading his.

He wants to respond, he does, but he can’t summon the energy to make his mouth work. Instead, he approximates a smile. 

“This is Dan” Phil says, smiling and swinging his legs where he’s hopped up on the counter next to the sink. “My flatmate.”

Dan wonders when it became that easy. When flatmate started rolling off Phil’s tongue more simply than anything else. Best Friend. Business Partner. Flatmate. 

It’s stupid, Dan thinks, that Phil looks cute up there. He’s far too tall to be hunched over in the space, and Dan is pretty sure the invader had been pressed up between his knees before Dan had traipsed in, but he appreciates the view of him up there anyway. 

“I’m Oliver” he says. 

“I just wanted to remind you to tweet and that.” Dan says to Phil, ignoring Oliver entirely. “You know, for the gaming stuff.” 

“Ooo, the YouTube videos.” Oliver says, smiling stupidly. “Is this like, a behind the scenes thing?” 

“Yeah,” Dan quips, “The glamorous secrets of YouTube...” 

Dan’s voice is harsher than he perhaps intended so he doesn’t dare glance at Phil who would probably have that disappointed look on his face. Oliver keeps smiling. Dan can’t stand him already. 

“How long?” Dan was right, Phil’s voice is edged with something. Nothing Oliver would notice, but after five years, Dan can spot it a mile off.

“It’s processing, probably like 30 minutes.” 

“Great,” Phil says, hopping off the counter, “Text me when it finally goes live? I have the draft, I just need to put the link in. Oliver and I are going out.” 

“Okay,” Dan nods, because there isn’t really any other choice. 

“There’s nothing in,” Phil says, by way of explanation, though he doesn’t owe Dan one. 

“Oh, right, yeah” Oliver says, suddenly moving around Dan in the small space, “Nice to meet you.” 

Again, Dan attempts to imitate what a smile should look like on his face. He’s not sure how successful it is. 

“I wasn’t going to bring him back” Phil says as he passes. Oliver is stood awkwardly in the hallway now, Dan can hear him shuffling. “He just wanted to see the place on the way to dinner and I couldn’t come up with any more excuses.” 

“Hey, whatever man, I don’t care.” 

Phil makes a face and twitches his nose. “It was bound to happen eventually” he says finally.

“Yes,” Dan agrees, “It was.” 

He isn’t sure they’re talking about the inevitability of Phil bringing Oliver to the house, or the strange acceptance they’ve reached recently, about how this is all going to play out for them. Best friend. Business partner. Flatmate. 

“Anyway, text me when it’s up.” 

“Will do.” 

Then Phil is gone and Dan watches the loading bar on the gaming video until it fully uploads. He texts Phil when it does and then watches the tweet replies roll in for both his, and Phil’s tweets about it. 

He’s happy it seems to be going down well. But it feels hollow without Phil there to read out some of the more zealous comments to. 

This was just the next phase for them, Dan thinks, they’ve had many.

 

**27 December 2012**

“That’s it then isn’t it?” Phil asks. Dan can barely look at him.

It’s never been hard to look Phil in the face, it’s always been easy, like breathing. Right now, Dan feels as if he’s choking, and he can’t meet Phil’s eyes at all.

“Isn’t it?” 

“Yes. That’s it.”

Phil doesn’t say anything. Dan knows he has the capacity to shout, to tell him to fuck off. Contrary to everything the internet thinks they know of Phil Lester, he isn’t actually as innocent as he makes out.

Off-camera Phil shouts, screams, gets downright angry with Dan all the time. He yells at the TV, swears when he stubs his toe or when the shower runs cold because they’re out of hot water. Phil breathes ‘fuck’ sometimes when they pull apart, when Dan runs a hand down his back... But at this moment, Phil doesn’t say a word.

“I’m sorry.”

 

**19 October 2014**

Dan is having a bad day. 

Not because of what day it is. It’s because that stupid Oliver is in his living room and he’s trapped in his room. He can hear Phil laughing and talking over the sound of the television, which makes him mad because they aren’t even watching it, but Dan’s stuck in here when he could be watching something he likes. 

But it’s also because sometimes the voices go quiet, and Dan can still hear the TV, but now he knows they’re definitely not watching. 

He's been coming round more often. Squeezing into their space, invading it. Dan is just trying to stay out of the way, but it hasn't gone unnoticed. 

“You can come watch with us if you like” Phil had said the other night, when they'd passed on the stairs to the bathroom and Dan had backed against the wall to let him pass. “Oliver says you'll love the film.”

“How would Oliver know what I'd like?” Dan had asked, anticipating the answer.

There's a beat of silence.

“God, he thinks he knows me from the Internet.” 

Dan didn't say anything about his opinions on Phil dating a fan. Because, well, he's been hypocritical enough times in his life. 

“Oliver doesn't watch our videos” Phil corrected, “He's not really into the Internet.” 

Dan honestly smiled at that, smirked really. Phil jabbed him in the arm, and it was almost like old times.

“Shut up.” He’d smiled, even though Dan hadn't said anything “There are actually other things in the world.” 

“Are there?” Dan had said, trying not to miss the press of Phil’s finger on his skin, “Could’ve fooled me.”

“Coming?” Phil asked, finally moving up the stairs.

“No,” Dan said softly, “I’m good.”

Phil had given him an odd look for a second, as though he was going to say something but thought better of it, before disappearing up the stairs. 

That's why Dan is in his room now. He's not hiding, he just doesn't think he'd have anything to say to Oliver anyway, so what's the point? 

This has everything to do with Oliver pushing his way into their space. Taking up room on the sofa that belongs to Dan, leaning against the counter as Phil cooks dinner in the way that Dan used to, appearing at random intervals when Dan thinks they have plans. Oliver has the benefit of hearing all of Phil’s anecdotes straight away these days, Dan hears about them later. The other day he heard a story only because he watched Phil’s latest video. It's been some time since he's felt like he needed to do that. 

So it has everything to do with the Oliver problem, and nothing at all to do with the date.

 

**19 October 2009**

“You’re here then.” 

“I’m here.” 

Dan can hardly get the words out. Phil is so much softer around the edges without pixelation. He’s solid, real, warm. He vibrates with energy too, hopping from foot to foot, hands gesticulating wildly as he talks. It’s amazing that when he stretches his arms wide to hug Dan, he doesn't disappear out of shot, and Dan can really feel it as he’s briefly pressed against Phil’s shoulder. He’s half-startled half-confused so when Phil pulls away, Dan can’t remember if he hugged back or not.

Dan wonders if Phil could possibly be as nervous as he is, but he can’t be, because Dan has been waiting for this moment a lot longer than Phil. 

“I thought we could go get coffee.” Phil says, pivoting on his heels in the direction they need to go. It’s easy for Dan to fall into step with him, it’s not as easy for him to stop staring. “Then do some touristy things. It’s always fun to do things like that, even though I come here all the time. But you don’t, you never come to Manchester. Well, you might, but not to see me so I thought we could… What?” 

Dan is smiling stupidly. He can feel the muscles in his cheeks giving way. He’s trying to maintain an air of nonchalance around the guy he’s admired from afar, trying to adopt a cooler-than-everything attitude that Phil will find alluring, but he can’t. Because Phil is just Phil, he’s just exactly the way he is in his videos and on Skype, and Dan can't believe his luck. 

“Nothing” The grin is still there, he can’t make it go away. 

“So do you?” Phil says, resuming the conversation without missing a beat. If Dan says nothing, Phil drops it, doesn’t press the issue. Dan would be shocked, but it’s just so Phil.

“Do I what?” 

“Come to Manchester?” 

“No, first time.” 

“Well,” Phil grins himself, that lobsided grin he gets when he’s overplaying a bit, “Welcome to the Phil Lester Manchester experience. The ManLester experience if you will.” 

“ManLester? Phil… That sounds so wrong.” 

Phil shrugs. Dan reckons he probably knows what it sounds like, it’s just that he doesn’t really care. Phil doesn’t mind a lot of things, not the way Dan does.

Like when they go for coffee and he asks for two caramel macchiatos and then pays for them both, Phil doesn’t mind the pointed look the barista gives them, not like Dan does. And when they’re in the Apple shop and Phil spends ages taking photo after photo until they get the one he wants to post, and then posts it. Phil doesn’t mind the stares and grumblings coming from the queues of people behind them. Phil doesn’t mind anything, not like Dan does. 

But Dan doesn’t mind enough to say anything, so they carry on.


	2. Chapter Two

**6 November 2014**

Dan thinks it is a good thing he’s pretty disassociated from the video persona these days. If he had to think about squeezing into the same jumper as Phil or all that stuff with the snake, he thinks he’d probably go crazy. Not to mention how good Phil looked in his t-shirt. Thank goodness he didn’t have to edit the video. 

But he is watching it when Phil walks in. 

“Well?” Phil says, walking in nonchalantly and plonking himself down on the bottom of Dan’s bed. Nearly sitting on his toes. 

“It’s the same as it was yesterday when I watched it before you uploaded.” 

“No,” Phil smiles, “I cut out the existential crisis bit. But you can put it in bloopers.” 

“I know, you said it slowed things down.” 

“It did.” 

Phil is always a bit particular about his videos, but these ones especially. They are kind of the legacy, Dan can hardly believe they’ve been doing them for 6 years. 

“I was just thinking that it’s weird we’ve been doing them for 6 years,” says Phil, as if reading Dan’s mind. 

“Yes,” Dan says as the video keeps playing in the background. He looks at Phil on the screen rather than at Phil on his bed. 

“I’m glad we didn’t give it up.” 

“Why would we have?” 

“You know know, because of... things.” 

Dan sighs, looks up to meet Phil’s gaze. He doesn’t know where to start, because he’d thought Phil understood. 

“The whole point of… ‘things’ was to be able to keep making videos, wasn’t it? Otherwise, what was it for?” 

There is a moment of silence where Phil looks at Dan. It’s almost beautiful, the look on his face, and Dan tries to make himself believe it doesn’t hurt to look at him.

“Whatever happened, I’m glad we still had this. Pinof will always be ours, really.” 

“It’s for the fans, mostly.” Dan says dismissively, looking back to the screen without really focusing. Because it hurts too much to think that it’s just for them. He thinks of them eighteen and twenty-two and it just hurts, to remember how it started. 

“Well, that bit is.” Phil laughs as he can hear the ‘anaconda’ rendition through Dan’s laptop speakers. 

“Oh god,” Dan laughs, “Thank god Oliver doesn’t watch your videos.”

Phil doesn’t laugh the way Dan thought he would. Instead, he looks like he’s thinking. 

“It’s not that bad, is it?” 

“No,” Dan reassures him. “I’m kidding. It’s fine. He just wouldn’t get the joke. It’s all in jokes now, isn’t it? Maybe you should give him the whistlestop tour. Crazy as it is.” 

“It’s too difficult,” Phil says, “I’ve tried. I’ve tried to explain it, to make it sound…. Not crazy.” He smiles, tentatively, bright and shining as only Phil can do. “But who would really understand it? I don’t really think he would understand the Lions and Llamas and Maltesers and Snokoplasm bits. It’s….” 

“An in joke.” Dan finishes, pausing the video and putting his laptop to the side, “I know. 

“Yeah,” Phil finished lamely, he looks a little defeated. “And--” 

“And?” Dan asks when Phil doesn’t continue his sentence.

“And it really is ours.” Phil’s hands are moving again, the way they do when he’s punctuating a thought. 

Dan doesn’t really know how to reply so he just nods, smiles a little. “And the entirety of the internet.” He quips, because sarcasm is just his way of dealing with tense situations. 

Phil actually laughs, “Them too. I don’t know, maybe Oliver is too old to understand. He’s thirty you know. Our audience isn’t usually in that bracket are they?” 

“Not statistically, but there’s nothing to say he wouldn’t enjoy it because it’s you making the videos.” Dan points out. 

“I just don’t think it’s his thing.” Phil insists, “But like you said, maybe it’s a good thing.” 

“Maybe.” 

“He doesn’t know.” Phil blurts out. He’s not looking at Dan, in stead he’s picking fluff off of Dan’s bed sheet and staring intently at anywhere that is not Dan. 

“Doesn’t know what?” he says innocently, even though he’s pretty sure he knows what they are talking about, because what else would there be to keep a secret? 

“About… things.” 

“Hmmm” is all Dan can muster up to say. 

“I just… didn’t know if… I should. And then I didn’t. And then it was too late to say anything.” 

“I understand.” 

“But we don’t.” Phil says finally looking up at him, “We don’t tell people. That’s the point, right?” 

“Yes, that’s the point.” 

“Because it’s ours” Phil says softly. 

Dan’s so sure he has a minute to think of something to say to that, so it shocks him when Phil stands and leaves his room without saying anything else. He’s trying not to let it confuse him that Phil hasn’t told Oliver they used to be together. That they are, for all intents and purposes, exes.

Secrets are what caused of this in the first place so how does Phil think it’s a good idea to keep it from his… boyfriend? Dan swallows hard, pretending there isn’t a lump in his throat at the thought of Phil using that term. Not when he gets flatmate. Best friend. Business Partner. 

Dan tries not to think of the consequences of secrets, tries not to think about the months of icy interactions with Phil that came right after. They’ve reached a good point, or they had before Oliver came on the scene, but it had been bad straight after.

 

**13 January 2013**

“Do you have everything?”

“Yes, Phil.” 

He’s sighing. He’d promised himself he’d stop sighing, stop rolling his eyes, but Phil still has that edge to his voice. He’d come back from his belated holidays looking different, drained. Dan has never seen him like this. He’s fine in his videos, no one would ever know, but Dan can see it. 

The truth is that Dan thinks that Phil isn’t different really, he’s the same wonderful bright light in the world he’s always been, but Dan’s darkness is casting a long shadow and he isn't allowed to bask in Phil’s warmth anymore. 

It isn’t the big things. Dan doesn’t miss Phil holding his hand or cuddling up to him in public, because they don’t do those things. They’ve never really done those things, but they’ve been really careful about it for at least a year. 

No, Dan misses the way Phil used to rest a hand on Dan’s shoulder when he reached for cereal in the kitchen, or that he’d casually hook an ankle over Dan’s when they are both sat on the couch. Phil doesn’t do those things anymore. Like light, Dan isn’t allowed these things either. 

It’s not the big things he misses, it’s the small things. 

“We’re going to be late.” 

“We’re not going to be late, Phil.”

“The taxi got here 7 minutes ago, and you haven’t even got shoes on.” 

“You ordered it too early as usual.” 

It’s Phil’s turn to sigh, but he does it quietly, reserved, just a sharper exhale from his nose than is normal. 

“It’s our first weekly show, Dan.” Phil explains instead of getting angry, “I want to make sure we’re prepared and not running in at the last minute.” 

“Right, right. Sorry.” Dan stumbles onto the landing pulling on his final shoe, hopping on one foot. He’s pretty sure he looks ridiculous but Phil doesn’t even quirk a smile. “Ready.”

They spend the taxi journey in silence, the tension palpable. Dan can’t even joke and jostle him about like he usually does. Instead he loads up an app on his phone and begins matching tiles. 

By the time they get on the air Dan can almost kid himself that they’re back to normal. They fall into their easy banter, same old Dan and Phil bickering and chiding each other fondly. It’s only when the On Air light dims back down that Dan knows it can’t stay that way. It’s reserved for the cameras now, and he’s going to have to get used to this icy silence, at least for a while.

 

**31 December 2014**

When Dan hears the door close downstairs he’s frozen with indecision. He’s not sure if he should dive under the covers for protection or find something heavy to wield at a potential attacker. 

He’s stood awkwardly next to his desk holding his tripod when Phil appears at his bedroom door. 

“Hey” Phil says raising a hand in greeting.

“Oh Jesus.” Dan exclaims dropping the tripod to his side, “I thought you were an axe murderer.” 

“Err… no.” Phil’s mouth quirks up to one side “just me.” 

“What are you doing here? I thought you were spending new years with Oliver?” 

“Plans changed.” 

He doesn’t offer any further explanation and Dan doesn’t ask for it. 

“What are you doing for new years?” Phil says walking into his room with his suitcase. 

“Oh you know, I’m reviewing my options. I’m somewhat in demand.” Dan says putting down the tripod and moving to lean against his own door frame. 

Phil is slightly obscured in his room, but Dan can hear him shifting around.

“You’re going to sit in the sofa crease and eat Doritos aren’t you?” Phil says from inside. Dan would normally just follow him in, sit on his bed and chat, but some reason he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to now Oliver is in the picture.

“No,” Dan insists, though that is probably where his night was headed.

“Well, I am.” Phil says emerging from his room. He’s in pyjamas, hung low on his hips. “I’m shattered from Christmas and my mum gave me way too much food as usual. I really don’t want to go anywhere.” 

Dan wonders if they had a fight, but Phil doesn’t seem to want to talk about it. 

“Anime?” Dan says instead, smiling slightly. 

“Pizza?” Phil adds. 

Dan’s smile gets wider, shows teeth, “Sounds like a plan.” 

They don’t need to discuss who is doing what, they’ve done it a thousand times. Dan orders the pizza online, he knows their order by heart. Phil turns on the TV and finds an episode to watch. Dan notices it is something they haven’t watched in a while, but Phil puts on the next episode like they are just picking up where they left off. 

If only it was always so easy, to pick up where you left off.

Dan changes into his jogging pants and is just sitting back down on the couch when the doorbell rings with their delivery. He doesn’t have to ask Phil to get the door, he just does. Because that is the routine. 

Dan fetches the kitchen roll and glasses for their drink. They’re like a well oiled machine and Dan can’t help but smile at Phil as they finally sit down to eat. 

“What?”

“Nothing.” Dan insists, “We just haven’t hung out in a while. I missed it.” 

“You know you’re always welcome to hang out with.. Us.” Phil says, but he trails off at the end, like he knows it isn’t something that would really happen. 

“I know,” Dan nods anyway, “but it’s nice. Just… me and you.” he doesn’t say ‘us’, but it’s a close thing. 

They watch and eat their pizza in companionable silence. Laughing in sync at the same parts of the show, glancing over to each other. It's almost normal, almost. 

As midnight approaches Phil suggests turning over the TV to a countdown. Dan agrees and they find one that isn't too obnoxious, background noise for the time being, they have about five minutes left.

“Are we going to talk about it?” Dan asks finally

“About what?”

“About why your plans fell through tonight.”

Phil is silent. “They weren't definite plans.” Phil insists, “Oliver had a work thing that I thought I'd be going to.”

“Thought?”

Phil nods. Then shrugs. “It would have been boring.”

Dan isn't sure if that means Oliver didn't invite him so Phil is stuck here, or if Phil decided not to go. He can't bring himself to ask. 

“Thank God you have pizza and anime to fill your time then” Dan quips instead, “Not to mention my dazzling personality.” 

“It's never boring with you Dan, whatever we’re doing.” 

There is a bit of silence and Dan coughs dramatically “That got deep.”

Phil shrugs again, smiles a familiar smile that makes Dan feel warm inside. 

“Anyway, plans for the year? Resolutions?”

“No resolutions” Dan says, “time is arbitrary so the fact that we have made yet one more trip around the sun shouldn’t pre determine a date on which goals should be commenced-”

“You're full of shit, Dan.” 

Dan grins, he is, but he knows Phil doesn't really mind. 

“What about you?” 

“Definitely learn kung-fu to fight against the rising of the lizard overlords.”

Dan shakes his head fondly, laughing despite himself. He's swung round in the sofa, legs pulled up, facing Phil. He doesn't notice how far they are leaned in to each other until the countdown starts on the TV. 

_10…9...8… ___

__They both flick a glance to the screen and then back to each other. It feels like the countdown is for something else. Dan isn’t sure what._ _

__“I didn’t want to go” Phil says softly, “To the party.”_ _

__Dan inhales, he’s not sure what it means but Phil is leaning in close and Dan’s head is swimming._ _

___7...6...5…_ _ _

__“I just wanted to come home and… well, hang out with you.”_ _

___4...3...2…_ _ _

__“Thank you for hanging out with me, Dan.”_ _

___1._ _ _

__Phi leans forward and kisses Dan on the cheek. It’s small, but Dan feels his chest contract. He doesn’t breathe in, doesn’t breathe out._ _

__“Happy New year, Dan.” Phil smiles._ _

__“Happy New Year, Phil.” Dan also smiles, and tries not to think about his stomach flipping over, and cold wind in his hair and feeling dizzy at the height._ _

__

__**19th October 2009** _ _

__“Touristy things now.” Phil announces as they leave the apple shop._ _

__“Touristy?” Dan asks, still unable to shake the stupid smile from his face, because Phil is here, and he doesn’t seem to be getting bored of Dan yet._ _

__“Yeah, come on, this way.”_ _

__It’s half a mile. Not far, but Phil is talking the whole way. He’s so animated and he doesn’t stop moving. He’s punctuating a point in a story he’s telling and he grabs Dan’s shoulder, squeezing lightly and rocking him in explanation of some event that happened or something. Dan doesn’t really know, because he’s too busy focusing on the heat of Phil’s hand against him. It’s October so it’s not exactly warm so he is wearing a coat, but it’s so cold that the heat of Phil’s hand is there in contrast. It’s not in his head. At least, he doesn’t think it is._ _

__As they round the corner Dan knows immediately what Phil has in store for them._ _

__“Really?” Dan asks, laughing._ _

__“Yeah, why not? You don’t do the tourist things when you live somewhere. So, you’re my excuse.”_ _

__“Fine,” Dan says, trying to act like he’s not excited by it._ _

__They manage to get a car to themselves. Probably due to the fact that they’re giggling and being far too inappropriate in the queue. It’s mostly Dan of course, the inappropriate jokes. Phil is laughing and pretending to look scandalised but he’s saying things too, joining in, all the while acting like he doesn’t understand what he’s saying, doesn’t recognise the innuendo. Dan loves it, the contrast that they are to each other, like complimentary weights on either side of a scale, delicately balanced._ _

__They sit opposite each other at first, long legs stretched into the middle. Dan tries not to read in to the fact that Phil’s ankle hooks over his, casually, like it’s nothing. Like it’s meant to be there._ _

__Dan concentrates on looking out of the window as they ascend. It’s slow, and he sees the city emerge on the horizon, the breeze filtering in through the open bit of glass at the top of the door, threading into his hair._ _

__He’s so busy looking that it’s a surprise to catch Phil’s gaze when he looks back over to him. Phil isn’t looking out of the window, he’s looking at Dan._ _

__The don’t move. It feels as though they are locked in the moment and Dan’s stomach feels weird from the ascent. At least, he thinks it’s because of that. Because Phil’s blue eyes are staring at him so hard that the jolt in his abdomen has to be from the height, the dizzy feeling in his head has to be because they are rising up so high above Manchester._ _

__It’s the altitude, he tries to convince himself, that makes him move to the other side of the car, to sit next to Phil, press their shoulders together. It’s the wind coming in through the open window that makes him turn towards Phil’s warmth, and it’s the stunning views all around them that mean Phil’s eyes never leave Dan’s, even as he leans in._ _

__There’s a soft gasp before contact, and Dan isn’t sure if it comes from him or from Phil. All he knows is that one minute they’re not kissing and then suddenly they are. He hadn’t known he was going to do it, not really, not until he actually does._ _

__He wants to ask Phil if this is okay, to make sure that he hasn’t just ruined this tentative thing they’ve been building by just being completely unable to control his goddamned impulses. He wants to tell him that this isn’t spur of the moment, that he’s been building to this with five hour skype calls and tweets for months. That he’s never kissed a boy before, that Phil probably has, and that he’s sorry if he’s doing it wrong but really, just because he’s never done it doesn’t mean he hasn’t been thinking about it from the first moment he clicked on an AmazingPhil video._ _

__He wants to ask Phil all of these things but he can’t seem to stop kissing him, especially when Phil’s hand ghosts faintly into the hair on the nape of his neck._ _

__There’s no pressure, Phil isn’t holding him there, he can escape if he wants to, even if he is the one that started it. But Dan dares a little more and presses closer in to Phil, begging him to please press back. And miraculously, Phil does. He lets the hand at Dan’s nape fall softly, fingers sliding into Dan’s hair. Dan swears he can hear the slightly grumble of something being released in Phil’s throat, but he’ll convince himself later that he had to have imagined it. It’s that, or never sleep again._ _

__It’s Phil now, controlling this, Dan thinks. And Dan lets him. His head is swimming and all he can feel is Phil, his hand in his hair, his body pressed up close, his warmth and his scent all around him and now- much to Dan’s delight - Phil’s tongue pressing questioningly at his lips. Of course Dan obliges._ _

__It’s not much different from kissing a girl, Dan notes, because this is all he has to compare it to. It isn’t different, except that it is. Except that for some reason he can’t breathe, and his head is foggy and his heart is hammering in his chest. Except that he’s never felt this absolute joy followed by absolute terror that this might be all they ever have._ _

__Dan lives so far away and Phil is so much older and none of this should make sense. But Phil’s lips on his feel right in a way that no one’s ever have before. So maybe, Dan concludes, that it’s not the maleness of Phil that’s making the difference, but the _Phil_ ness of Phil. The fact that this, here, this person is the one person that makes Dan feel like he could do anything. _ _

__They move apart slowly as the wheel reaches the top of it’s climb._ _

__“It’s high up huh?” is all Phil says, and Dan thinks it’s probably because he hasn’t said anything for a good 20 seconds._ _

__“Yes.” But Dan has been feeling this high up since he finally saw Phil in person. And he thinks he’ll probably go on feeling like he’s this high off the ground forever because regardless of what happens when they step of this wheel, Phil has kissed Dan back. Might even have enjoyed it._ _

__“My stomach feels all flippy,” Phil says, smiling._ _

__“Well, it is quite high up,” Dan shrugs, turning to look out of the window._ _

__“Yes,” Phil says, “It’s beautiful.”_ _

__In the years to come, Phil will swear he’d been looking out of the window when he replies, but Dan won’t believe him. Because there, high above Manchester, Dan knows that Phil’s eyes were burned into the back of his head._ _


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone is interested in this sort of thing, this chapter.(especially the middle angst bit) was written under the influence of The Run and Go by Twenty One Pilots. :)
> 
> Also by watching the Just Dance video way way way too many times. 
> 
> Enjoy! x

**8 March 2015**

It’s actually a tweet that notifies them. Well, several tweets, hundreds of tweets. All worded similarly, ‘congratulations on 1 million subscribers danandphilGAMES’.

Phil must get the same flurry of tweets and Dan is wondering if their subscribers are out there somewhere refreshing the page, watching the number tick over to the elusive 1m, when Phil skids into his room. Literally. 

Phil almost slides right past, but is jolted off the door frame to stop himself. He doesn't look in pain, in fact he's grinning widely as he bounds across the floor to land heavily on Dan’s bed. How is it that Phil is so comfortable doing that when Dan is just an awkward mess about going anywhere near Phil’s space these days? 

“We did it Philly” he hears himself say, and he's sure there's a matching smile on his face. All teeth and no reserve. 

“Whoop.” Phil says, punching the air. “We did it. We should do something to celebrate.”

Dan tries not to think about the kinds of celebrations they've shared in the past, but probably smirks a little. “What did you have in mind?”

Dan's not sure but there could be a smirk hanging on Phil’s lips too, but then that is occasionally just Phil’s default setting so Dan is trying not to read into it. He's trying not to think of Phil imagining their past and smiling.

“You know what we have to do” Phil says, lowering his voice ominously.

“Oh no, Phil, I was half joking when I suggested it.” 

“I got it,” Phil says jumping up, “Come on, you said when we hit 1 million you’d do it.” 

“Don’t get why you want to do it anyway, you’ll be just as bad.” 

Phil shrugs, “I don’t get why you don’t. You’d win. You actually have rhythm” 

Dan smiles then, “Probably tbh, it’ll just be on the internet forever, you know? Being all gangly and weird.” 

“I don’t think you’re gangly and weird.”

Dan gives him a small smile, itching to reach out to him, put his hand on Phil’s or something. The urge to touch him is sudden and scary and Dan agrees to doing Just Dance so that he doesn't have to think about it anymore. Maybe moving around and jumping about will expel the crawling sensation on his skin because he's not touching Phil. 

They fall into the usual banter easily, their online on camera personas coming to them quickly and effortlessly. It's only jarring a few times, like when Phil pushes his fringe off his face and Dan stops breathing for half a second. Or when Dan feels it necessary to address the ‘duet’ dance with ‘I hope it's nothing romantic’ which is partly because of Oliver but mostly because he doesn't think he'd be able to pull off even joking about anything romantic with Phil today. 

Then Phil chooses toxic and Dan feels a painful tug in his chest. Why does Phil have to make constant references to the early days, to years ago. Fans think Dan has the long memory and is sentimental about everything, but Phil is always the one torturing him by saying ‘microwave’ in that voice from 2009 and now picking toxic and saying the phrase ‘after all these years’. Dan's almost convinced he's doing it on purpose to test Dan's resolve.

But Dan makes it through the video and when he wins he's ecstatic. Phil throws down the gauntlet of all or nothing of course but Dan manages to scrape by. He's having so much fun the mask nearly slips.

It's a split second during his happy celebrations that he moves towards Phil, arms out. He catches himself at the last minute, pulling out of what would have been a hug under any normal circumstances. But these are not normal circumstances for so many reasons.

He can't believe his error, even though he pulls back, catches himself so it won't look too bad on camera, he's more concerned that Phil may have noticed. He climbs on the sofa and does a victory lap of the lounge just to cover it up.

Phil dances out of the room and Dan turns off the camera and TV before flopping down on the sofa on his side, eyes closed. He hears Phil come back from his dramatic exit. 

“Jokes aside, I'm actually really fucking tired now. I'm going to nap.”

He hears a “hhmmm” noise from behind him and feels a solid weight drop down on the couch. 

Dan is angled diagonally so that his legs are almost off the couch and Phil has stretched out in the gap between him and the back of the sofa, his legs stretched out on the footrest and his head dangerously close to being rested on Dan’s waist. They're not cuddling, it's just how they've landed, but anyone walking in wouldn't know that. 

It's kind of nice though, Dan thinks, and for the second time today he's imagining things from their past. All the times they've cuddled on sofas, stretched out or curved into each other’s bodies, fitting together neatly in ways they always have, right from that first hug. It makes Dan almost ache thinking about it so he turns his head to look down at Phil instead. 

“You're going to get a stiff neck if you fall asleep there.” he points out.

He'd meant that Phil should move, get up and go lay on his bed if he really wants to sleep, but what Phil does is shuffle in closer so that he is rested on Dan's waist, tipping Dan onto his back in the process. 

Dan's eyes go wide and he stares at the ceiling. He is flat on his back with his housemate- and ex boyfriend- pressed up close to him with his head resting on Dan’s ribcage. They're both sweaty and breathing slightly heavy and Dan is almost ashamed of which memories this is bringing back. 

They don't talk again, instead Dan let's his eyes slip closed and tries to savour this moment of closeness because he knows it's a rare and beautiful thing and he doesn't expect to get it again any time soon. 

When he wakes up from a nap half hour later his hand is in Phil’s hair. Cradled and tangled at the crown of his best friend’s head. They both must wake at the same time because Phil is stirring too and Dan whips his hand back and wriggles out from under Phil’s weight. 

“I shouldn't have-” Dan says, as Phil starts talking too.

“I didn't mean to-”

They lock eyes and try to laugh, to brush it off.

As Dan stands finally Phil looks a bit sad, he doesn't ask him why. Instead, he escapes to his bedroom until the embarrassment fades. The jittery nerves in his stomach dissipate much quicker than the tingling heat on his side where Phil had been resting. 

 

**4 February 2013**

When Dan hit one million on his channel things were still tense. They'd managed to pull it together for videos and the radio show but things at home are awful. 

They're dancing around each other, sidestepping their actual problems and landing on domestic disagreements instead. Dan noticed the one million that morning, but rather than tell Phil about it he's storming in to confront him about cereal instead. 

“Seriously Phil I know it's a fucking joke on the internet but you don't actually have to steal my cereal,” he slams the empty box on the dining table listening to the few remaining pieces rattle in the bottom. 

“Just trying to make one aspect of our image on the internet true to life” Phil says scathingly. He doesn't even look up from his laptop which irritates Dan the most. 

He doesn't say anything for a good minute, just lets the rage bubble under his skin. “Are you fucking serious?” 

Phil looks up at him then and Dan is almost sorry for the tiny look of hurt that flickers in Phil’s eyes. He keeps seeing it, and as much as he's promised himself he’ll let Phil be mad, because he has a right to be, he keeps saying things to hurt him. 

The problem is that they've both made mistakes, and Dan is angry too. He wishes things could have been different, that their entire careers didn't hinge on them not being together because as much as he's happy about his life generally, they can either have that or have each other. Not both.

Who knows whether they made the right choice, but it’s done now. 

“It’s just cereal,” Phil says, his voice calmer than before but it’s only serving to wind Dan up more. 

Dan wants to shout and scream and lay it all out, he wants to shake Phil until he has some kind of reaction so that he can be hurt or angry or something real. Not this icy distance they’ve been maintaining. 

“It is not just cereal,” Dan says, picking up the box and shaking it. “It’s… For fucks sake Phil it’s everything. How can you stand this? How can you keep sitting there not talking about the actual thing that’s going on because it’s killing me!” 

Phil still doesn’t say anything, but his brows knit together and he looks confused. 

“Don’t give me that look.” Dan’s hands tighten around the cardboard and he feels it give way, he’s barely holding on to his own temper so when the box collapses in on itself, so does his resolve. “I hate this!” his voice is loud, it echoes around their living room, bouncing off the high ceiling. “I fucking hate that we aren’t talking and I know, I know I fucked up and that I hurt you, I know that there’s nothing we can do and that this is our lot. But honestly, Phil? Honestly, you’re my best friend. We were…. Whatever we were... and that is what it is now, but I wish you were still my best friend. I miss you being my best friend.” 

Phil stares at him, eyebrows raised now, his eyes wide in shock. He puts the laptop down and rises to his feet, Dan thinks he’s making to leave and side steps into his path. Phil stops in his tracks, doesn’t move, but he doesn’t sit down either.

Dan feels hot tears pricking his eyes and his hands are shaking and before he knows it he’s punctuating his next sentence by launching the box he’s holding across the room, watching as it flails uselessly in the air, despite the force, and lands pitifully at his feet. 

“I just wanted some fucking cereal and to tell my best friend that I hit one million. Is that too much to ask for?” He covers his face with his hands, breathing statically against his fingers, trying to calm himself. “I just want to stop trying to look for a different place to live for 5 minutes, I want to pretend that we don’t have this hanging over us and just be normal friends. Just for 5 minutes Phil, please?” 

“You’ve been looking for another place to live?” 

Dan is shocked when Phil replies, his breathing is still hard against his hand and he has to concentrate for a few moments to regulate it before he can drop his arms and look at Phil. 

“Of course.” He runs a hand through his hair before dropping to pick the stupid cereal box up from the floor, abandoning it on the table. He doesn’t even want to look at them right now. “Our lives are… you have to put up with me at the radio and on youtube and at events, you deserve some space in your own home. I get that it must be difficult given that I… well, given the situation.” 

“It’s fine.” Phil shrugs. 

“It’s not fine. When was the last time we had a conversation that wasn’t about work?”

“I--” Phil’s hands flex at his sides, his head shakes, his mouth closes. 

“Exactly. This isn’t working, is it?” His eyes prick again and he pulls the cuff of his hoodie down over his fingers before swatting at his face manically.

“You hit one million.” Phil murmurs as Dan breathes. 

“This morning.” 

“Okay.” Phil takes a shaking breath, sets his shoulders. “Enough of this then,” he seems to decide, “That was the whole point… I mean, that’s why you… I…. why we did this. Because we couldn’t… you know.” 

“We couldn’t have both.” 

“No,” Phil says sadly, “We couldn’t.” 

It’s the most they’ve talked about it, the first time they’ve acknowledged it was the only way things could be. Dan had been questioning everything, wondering if the inevitable end they’d come to could have been avoided, but it couldn’t. It is the way it is, and that’s that. 

“Stay.” Phil says softly, “Don’t move out.” 

“But…” 

“You’re my best friend.” Phil says simply, “Always. My best friend.” 

Dan nods, and that’s the end of it. 

They try after that, and things get easier. It’s as if the layers of what they were are pulling away, and what they are is friends, best friends, and Dan thinks that he can be happy with this. If they can’t have both, at least they can have this. 

 

**26 march 2015**

Announcing the book and tour is a big deal. It's one of those days that has Dan pacing, muttering to himself about all the ways it could go wrong. 

Sure they'd posted the video earlier in the day and the response on twitter had been amazing but now he's back at home, cocooned in his own space, alone and quiet, the doubt starts to creep in. What if they can't do it? What if they can't pull together a book and a tour and something goes drastically wrong? 

He's had these moments of doubt before. Before posting his first video or doing his first Christmas radio show. He'd got through those moments hadn't he? How had he gotten through them? 

He knows how. He knows who's usually there to talk him down, whether as a pixelated image on a screen waiting while his first video uploaded, or squeezing his hand quickly and secretively before they entered the radio station. That person is currently in his bedroom with his boyfriend, and asking him to comfort Dan right now isn't an option. It isn't his job anymore, Dan needs to find another coping mechanism.

He's sure Phil is celebrating tonight. He and Oliver are probably tangled in his sheets, giddy with their own company while Dan paces his room back and forth trying not to think about Oliver’s lips on Phil’s skin. 

He's aware that he's a hypocrite. Just because he and Phil can't be together, just because he made the decision to end it, because he was a coward, doesn't mean he wants Phil to be with someone else. He's being selfish and unreasonable but his stomach twists when he thinks about it.

He knows Phil was hurting before, he hated hiding everything and it was killing him to pretend so Dan had taken the inevitable step, he'd been the bad guy so at least he'd get to keep him like this, as a friend. A friend, he now realises, he has to bear being in the next room with someone else while he slowly breaks down. 

There's a soft knock as his door and Dan starts, checks his headphone volume to make sure he isn't being too loud. 

He cracks the door and catches sight of a sleepy dishevelled Phil. Shirtless, his hair sticking up. He's got his glasses on and Dan almost melts at how adorable he looks. This is his Phil, he thinks, the one he has access to. The soft and unstyled version. But he's not his Phil now, he's Oliver’s, this isn't a view for him to appreciate anymore. 

“Sorry,” Dan says, “Was I being too loud?” 

“No,” Phil says, shuffling from foot to foot slightly, “I just couldn't sleep and I thought you might be… well, I thought you might be pacing. It'd be like you.” 

Dan can't help the smile that spreads across his face at that, because of course Phil would know that. 

“Yeah I was,” Dan tries to laugh but it comes out slightly strangled. He opens his door and let's Phil follow him in, curious that Phil closes the door behind him. “Only a bit though.” 

“Worrying?” Phil asks, sinking down onto Dan's bed. It's still made, Dan hasn't even laid down in it this evening. His bed is pristine but there's a ruffled track in his carpet made with pacing feet. 

“Kind of,” Dan says quietly, “But it's fine.”

It's not Phil’s job to be here, he's disturbing his sleep because Phil is too nice and he's worrying about Dan and Dan feels awful that he's causing all of this trouble. 

“I'm worrying too” Phil says encouragingly, “I think it's normal.”

“Good to know.”

Phil looks at Dan with a strange stare, like he's thinking at a million miles an hour. It's a look Dan has previously associated with bursts of creativity, it isn't Phil’s usual style to be anxious about things like this. 

“I mean, it's a big thing we’re doing.”

“Yes.” 

Dan wants to ask what he's doing here, why he's sitting on Dan's bed, drawing his knees up to his chest and folding small and vulnerable in Dan's space. He can't help himself, he sinks to the bed beside Phil, closer than he perhaps should be. 

It's killing him that Phil is sleep-warmed and docile in the silence. Like they are tucked into their own moment. But the warmth from Phil’s skin is left over from Oliver’s arms, and this moment is temporary, stolen from another person. 

“Oliver doesn't really get it,” Phil says quietly after a while, and Dan is sort of sick of hearing that. He's irrationally mad that Oliver isn't taking an interest in Phil’s life, but it isn't for him to comment on, the line between best friend and ex boyfriend is too fragile for that, so he bites his tongue. “I...I wanted to talk to you about it. I'm sorry… I shouldn't have--”

Dan just shuffles closer, unsure whether it's a good idea but he finds himself sliding his arms around Phil anyway, pulling him into a hug, holding him close and just breathing. “It's fine Phil, I wanted to talk to you about it too.” 

When the hug runs it's course, which is longer than would usually be acceptable but Phil let's him stay there, Dan pulls back slowly, flattening his hands in Phil’s shoulders. He gets as far as being level with Phil face before Phil is tightening his grip, keeping him in place mere inches from his face. 

“I…” 

For a fleeting moment Dan is sure that Phil means to kiss him. They’re both frozen and Phil’s eyes flick down to gaze at Dan’s mouth and he’s seen all those signs before. But Phil is suddenly sucking in a breath and moving back away from him, mumbling apologies. 

“I’m sorry, God, I don’t know what I’m doing.” 

Dan just shakes his head, not disagreeing, he just doesn’t know what else to do or say. 

“I’m just… tired, I guess. And… nervous about everything and I thought…” 

“I understand.” Dan says finally, “I get it.” 

“Yeah… you do don’t you? But, like, it was stupid. God, I’m sorry.” 

Dan tries to smile, but he isn’t sure how successful he is at pulling it off, “Nothing to be sorry for.” 

Phil nods curtly before getting to his feet. “I should… go. I need to… go.” 

Dan isn’t sure why Phil sounds apologetic about returning to his bed and his boyfriend. 

“I’m fine,” he says, in case that’s what Phil is worried about. “I’m going to bed now, really.” 

“Good,” Phil says, “you should. Sleep.” He glances at Dan’s bed as if thinking but then shakes his head slightly. “Goodnight, Dan.” 

“Goodnight, Phil.” 

Dan doesn’t follow him out, he doesn’t open the door or close it behind him. Instead he lets Phil walk the few paces across his room, open his door and close it slowly, as if trying to be quiet. 

Dan stays seated, trying to convince himself that he he doesn’t want to ask him to stay, that he hadn’t been moments away from leaning in to Phil’s touch, that they hadn’t nearly kissed. 

He wraps himself in his duvet, trying to create his own warmth and convincing himself he isn’t missing Phil’s. He used to want to hide Phil away from the world, to keep him in his own space, all for himself, the idea of sharing him in the beginning had felt scary, risky and Dan had been selfish with him. But Phil let him, content to be alone with Dan.

Now, even if Phil’s time and closeness is only borrowed, Dan will take it, anything to have it back. Just for tonight.

 

**17 September 2010**

Later, Dan will tell everyone he spent freshers week in his room with the door closed playing Xbox. It isn't far from the truth, he does play Xbox, he does keep the door closed, but he isn't alone. 

He dumps the final box on his desk, hooking up the tiny portable screen for his console and pulling out his phone, a thrumming sense of excitement threading through him that has nothing to do with university.

He knows he should be throwing his door open and meeting new people but there's only one person in this whole city he wants to see right now.

**Dan  
my parents are gone. i’m alone in the big city**

**Phil <3  
That's too bad, have you made friends yet?**

**Dan  
no this place is like a prison i don't want to engage with the other inmates. can i come to your flat? XD**

**Phil <3  
I'm not at home right now. x**

Dan feels vaguely let down. They hadn't had any definite plans but he thought that now he was here, permanently and extendedly _here_ in Phil’s city, they would at least see each other.

They've been back and forth to each other's houses so many times in the last almost year, and every time they've had to get back on a train Dan's heart had broken a little bit more. The physical pain he'd felt is finally starting to lift and although his current bedroom is tiny and does indeed look more like a prison cell than it does suitable accommodation for a thriving work ethic, he's finally only a bus ride away from Phil rather than a train, so he can't bring himself to care too much. 

There's a soft knock at his door just as he's finally turned on Halo and the menu screen music plays softly as he goes to answer it. 

The door swings open and Dan catches sight of black hair and blue eyes and no sooner is the door open he's reaching out, grasping Phil’s shirt, pulling him inside the small space and crashing his wide smile to Phil’s mouth. 

It's clumsy and uncoordinated as he closes the door with a loud bang behind them. He's smiling and Phil is smiling and their lips don't quite match up but his hands are on a solid real warm Phil and Dan couldn't be happier. 

“You shit,” Dan says as they part, “I didn't know you were coming.” 

Phil is still smiling, his tongue poking out between his lips now. “I thought I'd surprise you.” 

“You did.” 

They grin at each other and Dan still has his hands on Phil’s arms and he doesn't want to let go. They listen to the music of the game play in the background and Dan thinks he'll always associate it with this moment now, the moment that they've finally closed the distance. 

“How did you find me?” 

“I knew which block you were in since you told me last month when you got your letter, I just had to ask a few people where I could find a good looking bloke with a fringe who probably hadn't left his room yet.” 

Dan laughs and mock-punches Phil’s arm, “Is that all I am to you? A bit of eye candy with questionable hair?” 

“Yep” Phil rubs his arm and finally they part, Phil looking around the room for the first time. “Well you were right, definite prison vibes.” 

“Right?”

“Got your priorities sorted,” Phil says pointing to his Xbox setup next to a still taped up box marked ‘law books’. 

“Always.” 

They spend the next week in that tiny room. Leaving only for food and bathroom breaks. It's ridiculous and Phil keeps encouraging him to speak to his flat mates, or trying to convince him that they should go and explore the city. But Dan will kiss him, tell him how he doesn't want anyone else yet, not yet, just more of this for now, and Phil stops trying to convince him and agrees. Not yet.

When Phil has to leave for work finally at the end of the week, Dan feels the familiar tug in his chest. 

“It's not for long now,” Phil reminds him, breathing in to Dan's hair as he holds him close, “I'll see you next week. Monday, after your lectures.”

And Dan smiles because finally, the sight of Phil’s retreating back as he walks down the corridor from Dan’s room is only temporary, Phil is in easy reach, and he plans to keep him there.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched the easter baking video way too many times while writing this. 
> 
> Seriously after you've read this go watch it pretending this happened. It's kind of fun.
> 
> Also if you want updated of when this will be updated follow me on [Twitter ](http://twitter.com/agingfangirl) and my brand new [Tumblr at AgingPhangirl ](http://agingphangirl.tumblr.com) I moved over from my old one as I didn't want to use a sideblog anymore.
> 
> Which is also why my name has changed in here so everything fits together. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**4 April 2015**

It had been the worst kind of day and the sheen of 3am, masked by the glow of bright softbox lights, was adding a bizarre starkness to the moment. He was looking at Phil, a deer in the proverbial headlights. Both staring, both still, both aware of the camera still rolling. 

Dan had woken that morning feeling unusually happy, which, looking back, could only have spelled disaster. He'd been merrily tripping through his breakfast, looking forward to the day without any particular plans when Phil had appeared. Bleary eyed, bespectacled, and looking more adorable than he had any right to, and more than Dan should really be appreciating.

Dan was taking the moment. To let himself look, breathe in the morning and the contentment he felt at sharing his space with Phil who, although grumpy before his coffee, was still his favourite person. 

“Kettle’s just boiled” he said recognising the look of caffeine need in his friend’s eyes. 

“I was just going to make coffee” came a voice from the door.

Dan didn't roll his eyes, he didn't visibly react in any way. But it was a near thing. 

He hadn't known Oliver was staying last night, but Phil had been out late so it's possible Dan had already been asleep when they got back. He was trying not to stay up till 4am these days, they were preparing for a shed load of work after all. 

He'd been roped into spending the day with them. Dan blamed it on Phil in his glasses and Star Wars pyjamas looking at Dan like an excited puppy. They were three games into Mario Kart before it got really horrible. 

He and Phil were laughing about something. Perhaps an inside joke? Maybe they were doing that over-exaggerated stupid laugh because someone had said something inane, or perhaps they were just saying things at the same time and then smiling fondly. Dan was aware they were almost slipping into their video personas, almost playing up to a camera that wasn't there. Were they acting for Oliver’s benefit? 

“You guys are so weird,” Oliver said, narrowing his eyes slightly.

“Weird?” Phil asked.

“Yeah, like I don't understand what you're going on about half the time.”

Dan shouldn't have felt happy at that, but he did. It only got worse. 

A few minutes later, during a break in games, Dan got up from where he was sitting in the armchair and stretched. 

“You going for-” 

“Yes-” 

“Bring me-”

“Yes.” 

They both looked at Oliver. 

“Did I miss something?” 

“Dan’s going to get a drink, did you want one?” 

Oliver frowned slightly at that, “How… Never mind. No thank you, I don’t want a drink.” 

“Well we finished a race and we didn’t have drinks and…” Phil trailed off. Dan thought it was probably because there really was no explaining how he’d known Dan was going to get a drink. Except that it was obvious, to them two at least. 

Dan had escaped the room, ducking to the kitchen to avoid the mounting tension. Was it really that bad? Did they seriously not make any sense to other people any more? They joke about a mind meld all the time but it's possible that it's gone too far now. 

He's headed back down the corner when he hears hushed strained voices in the living room. 

“I just don't understand it,” Oliver said, “It's slightly immature don't you think? And there are other things we could have done today.” 

“I know,” Phil said earnestly, his voice trying to remain upbeat, but Dan can tell the difference. He shouldn't be able to tell the difference. But he can. “I just wanted you both to spend some time together.” 

“I don't like who you are around him,” Oliver murmured darkly, “It's like you're not my Phil anymore.” 

Dan couldn't help the rush of possessiveness at that, and had to quickly remind himself that Phil wasn't _his _either. Phil was Oliver’s, despite what Oliver had to say on the matter at the moment.__

__There was the soft sound of a kiss that didn't appear to be returned and suddenly the shuffle of feet._ _

__“I'm going to get going I think” came Oliver’s voice, cold and detached. “I'll leave you to your video games, or your silly YouTube channel. Call me when you want to do something a little more grown up okay?”_ _

__Dan dithered for only a second before dashing back across the hall and into the kitchen to avoid being noticed. It was only when he heard Oliver leave that he ventured back out, two pint glasses of Ribena in his hands._ _

__“Where's Oliver?” Dan asked nonchalantly, holding out Phil’s drink to him._ _

__Phil shot him a look that said he knew Dan was playing dumb._ _

__“Just…” Dan shrugged, “There's nothing that says what a grown up is.”_ _

__Phil groaned and flopped down on the couch. Holding a pillow to his face and making a long drawn out noise into it._ _

__“He doesn't mean it,” he said finally, moving the pillow to his lap, “He just wants to do all these like coupley adult things and I… I guess I should just start doing those things now I'm getting older.”_ _

__“Nothing says you have to though,” Dan pointed out, “You rent a flat in central London, you have a very successful career and you like the things that you like. Fuck that noise, normalness leads to sadness.”_ _

__Phil looked up at him with a strange expression, a disbelieving softness. If Dan didn't know better he might have called it affection._ _

__“Paraphrasing” he noted._ _

__“Editing” Dan countered with a grin._ _

__“Right.” Phil said decisively, “Let's do something. Something really not grown up. Let's film a video for our silly YouTube channels.”_ _

__“What did you have in mind?”_ _

__This is how Dan found himself, after an afternoon of shopping and an evening of prep, stood under a bright light in the kitchen at midnight wearing a bunny suit with Phil grinning at him stupidly._ _

__“Extreme easter nests?” Dan asks_ _

__“Yes,” Phil nods, “Literally a children's activity only with more chocolate and more sugar.”_ _

__Dan thinks Phil is really hammering the point home, but that it's kind of fruitless seeing how Oliver doesn't even watch his videos, but there you go. It's making Phil smile more than he has since Oliver left, and that's what counts. If Dan has to join in with his mad schemes, and pick up the pieces of their fight, and share a stark moment with Phil under hot lights in full body polyester then so be it._ _

__He makes it through Phil picking fluff from his neck without reacting, he makes it through Phil joking about their hasty decorating job and the murderous chick Dan had found on the internet to make Phil smile. Dan makes it through almost everything and he's quite proud of himself for not reacting, and for keeping most of the fondness out of his voice when he says ‘you're such a strange person’._ _

__He doesn't account for the moment when he learns on the oven and Phil says “Don't do that” soft, low and quick. It's not his video voice._ _

__Dan apologises quickly and turns away and they manage to resume the video without a hitch, but Dan can still hear it in his head. _Don't do that_. Like it affected him to see Dan like that, like it mattered._ _

__Phil is just a little overexcited in this video, playing up to everything, wild and random and exaggerated in a way that makes Dan’s smile hurt from being there for too long. Dan is playing up for Phil too and they're bouncing off each other in their easy and relaxed way but Dan is just trying to make Phil laugh, not the audience at home._ _

__But he's trying not to read into the fact that the anger and sadness that had been all over Phil earlier in the day is melting away, that with Dan he was just himself. Grown up or not it didn't matter, they were laughing and joking and having fun and nothing else mattered outside of the glow of their lights._ _

__But he can't stop his mind from whirring when Phil says a hot spring is a place to relax with your mate and then quickly corrects himself to the plural. Or when Phil pulls out the damn joke gift apron they'd received from someone in the know early on in their relationship. Dan didn't even know they still had that, but there it is, a strange reminder of an earlier time, used as a joke._ _

__They're working closely at the stove and Phil is bumping his hip in to Dan's and suddenly Phil’s voice is croaky and he passes it off as being sick and Dan, true to his video self, rolls with it. But Phil wasn't sick, maybe he was just upset, but Dan is wondering if Phil too is letting their proximity get to him._ _

__They're always close but it's always measured. They sit on the same side of table booths and the same end of sofa seats during interviews, they're never bothered about being in each other’s orbit and it's been mentioned to them more than once. Close friends and family know it's a leftover from their earlier dynamic, one they haven't been able to shift, but people could be forgiven for reading too much into it. The fans frequently do._ _

__And then the nests need to chill for two hours and the mad rush of everything is over. They turn the camera off and dim the light so it's not that bright and Dan blinks over at Phil who is standing closely and blinking back._ _

__“Thank you,” Phil says, “I needed that.”_ _

__“We've still got to film the ending you spoon”_ _

__“Yes but, thanks. I was all… weird earlier. Oliver really doesn't mean it, he just doesn't understand this stuff that's all.”_ _

__Dan nods._ _

__“Besides,” Phil says stoically, “He's probably right. I'm going to be 30 next year I need to start thinking about my life choices and stuff. Once the tour is over and everything.”_ _

__Dan's heart is hammering in his chest. He'd known that Phil would start thinking this stuff eventually, they'd both have to. They can't keep living in this bubble forever because eventually one or both of them is going to need to move on. Move away. He just didn't think it would be so soon. He always thinks they'll have more time and more time and more time._ _

__“I… yeah.” Dan says because he doesn't know what else to say. “I guess.”_ _

__Phil pulls a face like that wasn't what he was expecting and excuses himself, saying he's going to read a book while the nests set._ _

__Dan busies himself with clearing up slightly but finds himself wandering around the flat and noticing all the things that are Phil’s, calculating the physical space he'd leave behind if he left, because calculating the emotional space he'd leave seems too big of a task._ _

__There are things that are Phil’s and things have were Phil’s but are now Dan's or were Dan's but are now Phil’s. There are things that neither of them can remember being the first owner of and neither are really sure they own now. There are also those things that are both of theirs, because of shared finances or shared emotional attachments. Business expenses and life expenses and emotional expenses. No one knows where the line is anymore._ _

__When they go back to film the ending Dan is a little snarkier. He doesn't join in the jokes as much, calls him out on his stupid high five and outright laughs at how ridiculously sugary the dessert is. He eats it, but he complains about feeding it to Phil with his usual sarcasm. Because admitting he enjoyed it would hurt too much._ _

__They say goodbye, but don’t turn off the camera._ _

__“These are actually really good,” Phil says picking up another nest from the stupid plastic egg. He’s not doing it for the video anymore, he voice has dropped into its normal rhythm and it’s making Dan wonder when they’d become so accustomed to it that they don’t even have to signpost what is and isn’t for the video. Really early on, probably, they’ve always worked well together in that sense._ _

__“That’s because you have a ridiculous sweet tooth,” Dan says, reaching to his neck to undo the rabbit suit, because the lights are hot and he doesn’t want to be in it anymore._ _

__“Here,” Phil says softly, moving round behind him to help him undo it. His fingers graze the skin at the nape of Dan’s neck and Dan shivers. “You okay?”_ _

__“Yes.” His voice is strangled, breathy. He feels himself flush._ _

__He steps out of the outfit, his t-shirt rucked up in the back, exposing a strip of skin at the bottom of his spine. He feels Phil’s hand reach out and adjust it back into place. Dan closes his eyes for a moment, composing himself. It’s not fair, he thinks, that Phil can still have this affect on him._ _

__It’s not fair that he can’t have Phil and have the type of job where he films himself baking at 3 in the morning, and it’s not fair that he swears he hears Phil’s breath hitch too when his fingers glance against his back._ _

__Dan turns to find Phil in his space. “Thanks,” he says, holding the wadded up onesie in his hand and managing to keep his voice level._ _

__“Dan,” Phil says simply, the word is slow, but the next bit is rushed._ _

__He’s reaching out for Dan, gripping the sleeve of his t-shirt in a shaking fist and pulling him closer. Dan drops the rabbit costume from his hand and reaches out too, instinctively going for Phil’s waist in a way that he hasn’t done in years. They’re flush against each other and Phil’s lips are brushing his, pressing urgently, fiercely. And Dan doesn’t think, just kisses back with a ferocity that would scare him under normal circumstances. He makes a whine in the back of his throat because it’s like drowning. Drowning in Phil’s taste and the feel of his hands sliding up his arm to cup his jaw, and in Phil’s scent all around him. It’s like Dan had been dying of thirst and now he’s drowning._ _

__Dan is backed against the kitchen counter, Phil pressed along the full length of him, kissing him without relenting and Dan can’t breathe and he feels heady and dizzy and Phil is making tiny sounds too and the kitchen is filled with the noise of them, murmured and sacred. And he’s trying to pull Phil closer, trying to tell him ‘don’t leave’, savouring this, him, because he doesn’t know how long it will last and he’s scared that he’ll shatter when it does._ _

__But just as suddenly as it started, Phil is moving away, taking a step backward, disentangling himself from Dan’s arms and bringing a hand to cover his mouth._ _

__“I’m so sorry.”_ _

__The camera is still rolling and Dan is just looking at him. His lips feel bruised and he wants nothing more than to pull Phil back towards him. But he can’t, because Phil is sorry, when it should be him._ _

__“No I’m… I shouldn’t have done that.”_ _

__“You didn’t do anything.”_ _

__“I did. I--”_ _

__“It’s late,” Phil says, “That’s all. It’s late and we’re hopped up on sugar and… it was nothing, right?”_ _

__The look in Phil’s eyes is pleading. Those blue orbs are asking Dan to please, please make this not mean anything because it’s too much if it does, it would mean so much damage. He looks like someone torn open and wrecked and Dan can’t bring himself to ruin him._ _

__“Right.” Dan says, shrugging, impressed with his ability to be nonchalant. “Just, edit it out, yeah?” he even manages to laugh._ _

__“Shit,” Phil is saying, reaching for the camera to turn it off._ _

__“Won’t be the worst thing we’ve edited out,” Dan points out, because he can’t help himself and he loves the blush that spreads over Phil’s face._ _

__“I know we push the shippers to the limit, Dan” Phil says sarcastically, “But that might be a bit much.”_ _

__“True,” Dan says, grinning and picking up the stupid rabbit thing from the floor. “Wouldn’t want anyone getting any evidence that that actually happened.”_ _

__When he looks up Phil is looking guilty again, and Dan knows he’s thinking of Oliver._ _

__“Because it was stupid, and… it didn’t happen.” Dan says firmly, “Just forget it.”_ _

__“Okay,” Phil whispers, and Dan wonders if he’ll find it easy to forget, because for Dan it’s going to be one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do._ _

__

__**31 July 2013** _ _

__Things are easier since they decided to make an effort. It's still weird, and Dan finds that he has to remind himself of the line that exists between them, and that he can't cross it._ _

__But it's weird, and the line seems to exist between pressing record and stop._ _

__“You're different these days,” Phil says, “Not as angry.”_ _

__Dan nods and tries to resist saying that is kind of the point of them breaking up. So that he can stop being angry in the internet. A strange side effect of them being more relaxed is that the shippers are rampant these days. But it doesn't feel as threatening when it's not true._ _

__“Is it weird that they're finding more ‘evidence’ now?” Dan asks, scrolling through Tumblr with one hand and using his other to make air quotes._ _

__“I think they'll continue doing it no matter what.” Phil says, and he sounds sad in a way that makes Dan feel uncomfortable. “It's a huge part of our audience. I think we kind of rely on it.”_ _

__“It's strange though. It's like here are two people I find funny and attractive but I want them to be together so that I have no actual chance with them.”_ _

__Dan laughs. He's well aware most of their audience is in their early teens and he still finds it absurd that anyone would find him attractive anyway._ _

__“I mean,” Phil says, pondering. “They want us to be happy. And they…” He bites his lip. “And they think that's how we'll be happy.”_ _

__Dan just turns his head back to Tumblr because answering that is difficult. They _had_ been happy, until they weren't. _ _

__“But that's the problem.” Phil says, standing and stretching so that a small strip of skin is visible where his shirt rides up. Dan pretends he's not looking. “If they ever got confirmation, if it ever was real, it'd go away. Shipping is fragile, most of the fun is in the anticipation of it. Once the tension is out, it's gone.”_ _

__“I know how it works Phil.”_ _

__“Of course you do.”_ _

__He does. Because hadn't that been the reason? Keeping the secret had been too hard when all Phil had wanted to do was shout it from the rooftops. There were too many variables and their careers hinged on appearing to be together but not actually giving any proof. Toeing that line every day was too complicated and however many times Phil assured him that it didn't matter, deep down they both knew it did. They couldn't have both._ _

__“Then we agree that we just, give the people what they want.”_ _

__“Not what they think they want.” Phil agrees, “Just… the suggestion.”_ _

__“Sure.”_ _

__And that's how they decide. Dan stops outright denying it, which is ironic considering that there is now nothing to deny. Phil stays Phil because he never gets asked all those questions anyway, and eventually they set up a gaming channel together just so they can have more of that relaxed hanging out vibe that everyone seems to enjoy._ _

__All in all it's a good system, and it works. They hint at something that doesn't exist and Dan pretends that it isn't killing him. Phil doesn't react one way or another and things are fine._ _

__Everything is fine. Until Phil meets Oliver in a grocery aisle._ _


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author’s Note from AgingPhangirl:** This fic is coming back after a long hiatus! I had pretty much given up on my original plan for this, feeling like I no longer loved where it was going to go. Enter Adorkablephil who in her usual encouraging style had some amazing insight in to the narrative and what it could become. It was then we realised that this was a joint project and I'm really excited that Kimberly has agreed to write this with me, to evolve it in to something bigger and better than it was originally, and add her own amazing spin on it! From now on we're working together, alternating chapters, to finally, finally finish this story.
> 
>  **Author’s Note from Adorkablephil:** When I was reading back through AgingPhangirl’s entire collection of work (as one does when they discover an author they love), I found this story on AO3, and it only had 4 chapters, but I was desperate to know what happened next! I begged AgingPhangirl to continue it, but she was unenthused about her original outline. I asked if I could suggest some possible ways it could go, and she ended up asking me to collaborate with her to finish it! I’m honored and flattered to be working with her on this, and I hope you enjoy it! We’ll be taking turns writing chapters from now on, and this one (Chapter 5) is by me. :)

**14 February 2014**

Dan is sitting on the sofa in his track bottoms and an old t-shirt, barefoot, when Phil emerges from his bedroom looking quite a bit smarter than usual. Not only is he wearing one of his nicer button-ups, but as he enters the room he pulls on a sort of blazer over it. Nothing too fancy, not like a suit jacket, but … smart. He looks good.

Not that Dan is supposed to be noticing.

But why would Phil be dressing up just when their day is winding down? They haven’t even talked yet about what they want to do about dinner.

Phil doesn’t say anything, but sits down to pull on his shoes. Sneakers as usual, but his nice black ones. And the jeans look new, too. The dark blue complements the brighter blue of his shirt. Phil loves that shirt, even though Dan has always teased him about it, insisting that a shirt covered in hearts is so cheesy it looks like a Valentine’s Day gag gift.

Oh. Fuck.

It’s Valentine’s Day. Today.

Does Phil think … why is he so dressed up? Had he planned on going out to dinner tonight? Because Dan really doesn’t feel like making the effort, to be honest. He was just looking forward to some pizza and something brainless on the tv. He opens his mouth to say something, maybe ask Phil what he’s doing, when it suddenly occurs to him that Phil is behaving very oddly. He hasn’t said a word to Dan and hasn’t made eye contact at all since entering the room.

Dan tries to make his voice sound absolutely normal when he asks, “So, what’s up tonight?”

Phil flinches slightly, glancing quickly at Dan then away again. “Just going out to dinner,” he replies, but his voice practically drips with guilt. Guilt, and an obviously violent desire to avoid this conversation. He stands up and turns away to pick up his phone from the table.

Dan keeps his voice light. “With who?”

He sees Phil’s hand do the funny thing it does sometimes when he’s nervous, how he runs his fingertips against his fingers in a twitchy sort of way. “His name is Oliver,” Phil admits eventually, not meeting Dan’s eyes. “We’ve been dating.”

Dan hopes his jaw doesn’t literally drop, but it certainly does metaphorically, and suddenly a million questions are running through his mind. Phil is dating someone? Since when had Phil been dating someone? Why hadn’t Dan known? Who is this guy? Is he better looking than Dan?  Is Phil going to start bringing him round the flat? Will Dan have to watch them together? And why does that thought still bother him so much? He settles for asking, “How long?”

Phil shrugs uncomfortably. “A few months. We met at Tesco.” He laughs, and he actually sounds kind of happy, and Dan kind of hates it, and then kind of hates himself for hating it. He was the one to end it, so of course Phil has the right to move on. They both do. Of course. He notices he’s grinding his teeth and stops, hoping the sound hadn’t been audible.

“Who is he?” Dan feels like some kind of interrogator, but he can’t contain his curiosity.

Phil glances toward the door, obviously ready to leave. “He’s a copy editor at Faber & Faber.” He glances over at Dan in his ratty track bottoms on the sofa and says, “I’d better get going or I’ll be late.”

“Have fun,” Dan replies, and he tells himself the emotion he tries to suppress in his words is venom, not grief.

Phil nods, gives a brief smile, and leaves.

Dan sits alone in a silent, empty apartment and tries not to think about anything. Anything at all.

  


**12 November 2011**

Neither of them want a marketing manager, but friends at Google recommended using one if he and Phil really want their careers to grow. So he and Phil discussed it, and they decided to contract with Julian, who is the stuffiest old goat Dan has ever met, but he comes highly recommended. Dan loathes him, but Phil gets on with him all right. Phil gets on with everyone.

“It would really be best if you both used considerable discretion regarding your … relationship,” Julian advises them stiffly. He has never seemed to approve of what he calls Dan and Phil’s “closeness.”

Dan and Phil exchange a confused glance. Phil asks, “What do you mean? We live together—everyone knows that...”

Dan grumbles under his breath, “It’s not like we’re fucking in Trafalgar Square.” He secretly revels in the horrified expression on Julian’s face.

Phil shoots Dan a glance and continues, placating Julian, “We aren’t really the type for public displays of affection. I don’t think it’s a problem.”

“You might not think it’s a problem,” Julian replies, “but you need to stay aware of your audience. As long as you remain visibly single, they can imagine a sort of relationship with you that keeps your view counts going up and your income increasing. You can occasionally give perhaps the merest suggestion of something … more ... to keep fans’ interest piqued, but if career growth continues to be your goal, you must officially always present your relationship as purely platonic.”

They talk about it in bed that night. Neither of them is happy about it, but this is Dan’s whole purpose in dropping out of uni, right? To give this YouTube thing a proper go? And Julian seems to think this is necessary for that. Phil quietly disagrees, but in the end he capitulates without much argument.

They follow Julian’s advice.

  


**7 April 2015**

In his bedroom playing Guild Wars 2, Dan hears the front door open, immediately followed by the familiar whomping sound of Phil’s shoes being removed and dropped on the floor. He hesitates at his computer, not wanting to run to the door like an abandoned damsel but also desperately wanting to see Phil, especially after that heated kiss in the kitchen.

Which has been followed by a complete lack of Phil’s presence around the flat for days.

Dan knows Phil felt guilty about that kiss, so is that where he’s been these past few days, playing happy houses with Oliver? Pretending that the thing between them never happened? Making himself feel better by being the perfect boyfriend? He imagines Phil on his knees, guiltily sucking Oliver’s cock, and wants to be angry but mostly just feels despair.

When he wanders out into the lounge, he finds Phil sitting on the sofa in his mismatched stocking feet, scrolling through his phone as if this is any ordinary day. When Phil looks up, though, his eyes show it’s an act. He’s wearing some chic gray shirt that makes the color of his eyes pop, and Dan finds himself cursing Phil’s love of bright colors for an instant, if such a muted shade can do that. But in the next moment he realizes that Phil doesn’t have any expensive shirts like that in his closet, and it isn’t really Phil’s style at all, so he’s come home wearing Oliver’s clothes, and wearing each other’s clothes has always been  _ their _ thing, the same way PINOF is  _ their _ thing, and he feels absurdly cuckolded. Because Phil is wearing another man’s shirt. Bizarre, that it should bother him more than everything else has. Bizarre, and stupid. It doesn’t put him in the best state of mind for a difficult conversation, which he knows this will almost certainly be.

“Hey,” Phil says tentatively, as if acting casual might erase the fact that he hasn’t come home for days after kissing Dan like that, after backing him up against the kitchen counter like that and pressing against him and making those familiar whimpers in his throat, whimpers Dan used to hear mostly only during sex, making Dan think for a moment that they’d stepped back in time, back to when things were simpler.

“Hey,” Dan replies, clearing his throat and looking away from Phil’s eyes and Oliver’s shirt and the memories and emotions roiling inside him. Best to act cool. Phil has a boyfriend. It was all a mistake. They said so afterward, didn’t they? They agreed.

So he is looking at the coffee table when he hears Phil say, “I’m sorry.” Dan’s head jerks around and he stares at Phil in disbelief.

“You’re sorry? For … what, exactly?”

Phil sighs. “You know. What happened before … in the kitchen. I know we aren’t like that anymore, but … I was upset with Oliver…” Is Phil saying that amazing kiss was about frickin’  _ Oliver _ ? That heated exchange of desperate wanting was about Phil’s fucking judgmental asshole of a boyfriend? But Phil is still talking. “He and I had sort of an argument after you left the room, and he lashed out and said some things he didn’t mean, and I felt kind of pissed at him, and so then I went and proved him right, you know? I did the most immature thing I could think of.”

Dan raises an eyebrow. “He said some things he didn’t mean? What makes you think that? He sure sounded like he meant them.”

“People say things when they’re hurt,” Phil rejoins, and Dan remembers all the horrible things they said to each other in the heat of arguments. He has to admit it’s true. “Oliver felt excluded, being around you and me together. You know … we’ve been together so long, and we know each other so well, and Oliver and I are still sort of new.”

Dan shakes his head stubbornly. “You’ve been together more than a year. You should have your own … things by now.”

Phil nods and says something Dan doesn’t want to hear. “We do. Oliver and I, we have our own things that are just about us, but you and me … it’s like a psychic connection sometimes, you know? I mean, enough people have joked about it over the years. It’s something most couples don’t even have, let alone people who are just friends.” They both look away.

Dan asks mulishly, “So Oliver acts like a prick and you just … what? Forgive him like nothing happened?”

Phil looks at him again, and his eyes are like steel now. When did Phil learn that particular look? “I didn’t just forgive him like nothing happened, no. We talked. That’s what people do when they’re in a real relationship, Dan—they talk.”

Dan looks away again. They were never very good about talking, not about the important stuff. But apparently Oliver is good at it, to be able to appease Phil so easily. Still, the words “a real relationship” smart like the lash of a whip, as if his relationship with Dan wasn’t real.

But Phil is still talking. “Oliver told me he’d been feeling jealous and left out, and he apologized for making some petty remarks. He said he hadn’t meant them. Yeah, he doesn’t understand YouTube and all the Internet social media stuff, but he doesn’t usually mock me for it. He was just hurting. People do that sometimes, Dan. They hurt. And they do stupid stuff because they’re hurting. And if they own up to it, take responsibility and apologize, you give them another chance. So, yeah, I’m giving Oliver another chance.”

Dan snorts, even though Phil makes sense, and he wishes they had that sort of relationship. But they didn’t. They talked about things, but not really about how they felt, not in detail, and then Dan just … well, he made a huge decision without really thinking about the ramifications at all. He called things off with Phil without even trying to work things out. He can see that now. They never had the kind of conversations Phil is describing. They just let things sort of fade away, and then Dan ended it without even making an effort. He threw it away as if it was nothing.

“And Oliver’s giving me another chance, too,” he hears Phil say.

He looks at Phil in surprise. “What did you do that he has to forgive you for?”

“Dan.” Phil’s voice is patient, as if he’s talking to a child. “Dan, he lashed out and said I was immature, and so I turned around and did the most immature thing I could think of.”

Dan raises his eyebrows. “You think he has to forgive you for making a stupid baking video?”

“I told him about the kiss, Dan.”

Dan’s mouth drops open in shock. “You … you what?” he stammers.

“I told him,” Phil repeats. He’s watching Dan’s face with a sort of pity, and Dan hates it. He wants to throw something, but he isn’t sure why. “Like I said, that’s what people do when they’re in a real relationship. They talk about what’s wrong. They take responsibility when they fuck up. And I fucked up, Dan. I fucked up way worse than he did.”

Dan’s mouth feels dry and he doesn’t know where to look, but he certainly can’t look at Phil’s face, not when his eyes show so much sympathy. Phil has no right to look at him like that. And Dan has no idea what to say.

“I’m not saying that…” Phil pauses awkwardly before continuing, “I’m not saying that there isn’t still something … something there between us. Between you and me. I’m not going to lie about that, Dan. I’m not going to say those feelings … that kiss…” he pauses again and Dan holds his breath. “That kiss was real. Of course it was, Dan. I never stopped feeling…” but this time Phil doesn’t finish his sentence, though something in Dan wishes very very badly that he would. Phil’s voice is firmer when he continues, “But we broke up. We’re not together anymore, Dan. And I’m with Oliver. And I love him, too.”

Too. Too. Dan hears it reverberating in his head. Too. “I love him, too.” Which is the same as saying, “I love you, Dan. I still love  _ you _ .” Something neither of them has ever said, not since the horrible day when Dan ended things with what he now sees was such casual cruelty.

“And I’m not going to treat him like that, Dan. He deserves better. He’s going to try to understand better where I’m coming from with my career, and he’s going to try to accept how close our friendship is, and that’s saying a lot, Dan. He doesn’t know … everything. But he knows that we kissed, and he knows how close we are as friends, and we tend to sort of exclude him when the three of us are together. I’m going to try not to do that so much, and I’m going to bring him around more so he doesn’t feel so shut out.”

God, that sounds like hell on earth. Oliver lurking around the flat all the time, listening in on their private conversations, horning in on their relationship…

Except Dan is the one horning in on  _ their _ relationship, isn’t he? He can’t quite feel bad about that, but he can tell that he probably should.

“But I don’t want you to feel shut out, either, Dan. You’re both huge parts of my life, even if it’s complicated. I mean, you know, you and I are complicated. But I don’t want this to mess up our friendship. I mean … that’s all we’ve really got left, and I don’t want to fuck it up.”

Dan feels tears stinging his eyes. He doesn’t want to fuck it up, either. Even though he already did. Years ago. And at this point he has only himself to blame for the fact that Phil has a smaller space available for Dan in his life. The self-recrimination tastes bitter in his mouth.

“So that’s where you’ve been all this time? At Oliver’s?”

Phil nods. “Yeah. We had a lot to talk about.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “So much you couldn’t even bother to text me or anything.”

Phil looks confused. “Dan, I don’t … I don’t have to tell you where I am all the time. This was important, and I had a lot to figure out with Oliver.”

“Well, I was sort of wondering whether you’d even be home in time to pack for Japan,” Dan snipes. They’ve both looked forward to this trip for so long, and now everything feels ruined. Phil will spend the trip pining for Oliver, and Dan will spend the trip pining for Phil, and it is all just totally fucked. His anger suddenly deflates into misery.

Phil’s voice is soft as he smiles and says, “I wouldn’t let anything mess this up. I mean, we’ve been wanting this for years!” He bounces a bit on the sofa and cries, “We’re going to Japan!” He sounds so excited at those last words that Dan can’t help grinning in response, despite everything.

“We’re going to Japan!” Dan repeats, and they just grin at each other like lunatics. Like suddenly things aren’t complicated at all.

“It’s going to be the best trip ever,” Phil declares. “And we aren’t going to let anything get in the way of that, okay? This trip is just for us, to get to do all the stuff we’ve dreamed about for years. I want to catch a real life Pokémon to bring home with us.”

Dan shakes his head fondly. “Not sure you’ll manage that one. And even if you do, the landlord won’t let us have a pet.”

Phil looks at him earnestly. “You’re still my best friend. You always will be.” His throat works as he swallows, and Dan forces himself not to look away from the show of emotion. “Let’s have the best time ever and just … forget all this other stuff, okay? Just be you, and me, together … in frickin’  _ Japan _ !”

Phil jumps up off the sofa, and for a moment Dan thinks he’s going to hug him, but instead Phil rushes off down the hall toward his bedroom.

“You’re going to start packing, you nerd, aren’t you?” he shouts after him.

Phil’s voice emerges from his bedroom, sounding happier than Dan has heard it in a long time. “Just because  _ some _ people wait to pack half an hour before the flight time...” And the good-natured teasing makes Dan feel like everything really is going to be all right after all. Somehow.

  


**27 December 2012**

Dan was thinking about it the whole time he was home at Christmas, and so he’s ready when Phil comes in the door carrying two heavy bags, probably full of presents from his family.

“Hey,” Phil says warily when he sees Dan sitting on the sofa. They’ve been nothing but wary around each other for months now, and Dan just can’t do it anymore.

Dan says, “We need to talk,” and Phil drops his bags and sits down with a resigned expression. What follows isn’t much of a conversation, though—more like a dance around the important issues, with occasional jabs at each other’s sore spots.

“The past six months have been the worst we’ve ever had. I mean, Jesus! We don’t even have sex anymore!” Dan has already decided how this conversation is going to end, already made up his mind that they’re over, but he hasn’t been able to just say that. He feels like he needs to justify his decision somehow, even if only pro forma.

Phil throws his hands in the air and his voice is snide. “Well, gosh, Dan. I’m sorry. I guess I’ve been too busy reading all your tweets and watching your live shows about how heterosexual you are! Though I must admit hearing how much you like boobs and vagina really gets me hot.”

Dan rolls his eyes, and it only goes downhill from there. Another half an hour of pretending to actually talk, with Phil seeming increasingly hurt and Dan growing increasingly defensive, and finally Dan says what he’s already been thinking since before Phil even walked through the door carrying his bags of Christmas presents. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s just not working. It hasn’t worked in a long time.”

They’re both quiet for a long beat, the lounge heavy with all the words said and unsaid, the feelings they once had and now deny. The pain on both sides, even if for different reasons.

“That’s it, then, isn’t it?” Phil asks, something plaintive in his tone that Dan refuses to acknowledge.

Dan doesn’t have any real answer for that, nothing open or honest, because they long ago moved into an abyss of distance and regret. Nothing he says is going to make this easier for either of them.

So, in the end, all Dan has to offer Phil after all this time is a lame “I’m sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that this is only based on a basic timeline of some events. I've made some things up and I've missed some things out because, well, it's only a story.


End file.
